Unfortunately, this current financial crisis is affecting more than just jobs; it is hurting families and marriages too. The stress associated with hard financial times can tear at the best of relationships. I know about this, as my husband and I lost just about everything we owned in the recession back in the 1980's.
But honestly, it wasn't the lack of money that was our problem. It was the fear of not having it, and the anger that we allowed to seep into our daily interactions that did the harm. We became selfish and made foolish decisions. We almost separated, but thank goodness the Lord intervened and caused a series of events to happen that wakened us to our stupidity. Fear is the enemy in times like these, not the lack of money.
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There is much that happens in the world that I do not understand. I didn't understand it at all when we lost so much, and then a few years later, when I was just beginning to breathe, my young brother committed suicide. At the time it seemed like almost more than I could bear. But I have lived long enough now to see many good things come out of that, and my children turn into strong, resilient young adults. And by the way, I'll be married forty years this coming July!
These are a few of the SMART Tips I've gleaned through the years for surviving hard times:
o Take care of your health
o Avoid too many sweets, caffeine, or alcoholic beverages
o Take walks as a couple or family
o Consciously breathe deeply
o Stop watching the news or listening to radio ranting
o Avoid becoming a couch potato
o Be especially gentle with children, they are worried too
o Volunteer as a couple
o Spend carefully, but don't obsess and hoard
o Avoid credit cards if at all possible
o Make a game out of "stretching a dollar" and being creative with food, clothing, and decorating
o Stay connected to family and friends
o Learn new board games, crafts, and hobbies as replacement for movies, vacations, toys
o Make three meals out of a normal roast, chicken, or package of hamburger (yes, you can...)
o Avoid fast food as much as possible
o Let go of possessions that you don't need or aren't vital to your family. Sell or trade.
o Shop in thrift stores. I've furnished two homes and regularly buy clothes in amazing thrift stores.
o Do NOT shop for entertainment, even at yard sales or flea markets
o Car pool, bike, and trade babysitting with other couples.
o Rent movies at home and fix easy meals you can heat up when you are tired.
You can make it through this. We did, and grew stronger and more resourceful as a result. It is all in your attitude. There was a point my family owned a big house, fine cars, a farm, and flew an airplane. We lost everything but one car with 90,000 miles on it, and our furniture. I will not romanticize it and tell you that this was easy. But the truth is that we were spiritually and emotionally bankrupt when we had all the possessions, and losing them forced us to learn what was really important.
If you yell and scream, cry about the money or the house all the time, you will only teach your children that money is the most important thing in life and that you care more about it than you do them. You may end up without a house, but if you are healthy and have each other, you still have a home even if it is a rented house, a camper, or a room at a relative's house for awhile. You must, by all means, be a supporter and an encourager if your spouse loses their job, and be strong for them. In hard times, it is easy to blame our spouse, or make them feel they are not doing enough to find new work. Be gentle and patient. Nagging and sarcasm will only make matters worse, and may wound your relationship forever.
We eventually were able to buy a house again, lived in wonderful rented houses (some even waterfront) in the meantime, and now own two homes that we bought on foreclosure and remodeled. We have successful careers, and I've just published a book with a major publisher. We are not rich, but this has been an incredible ride, and would never have happened without the hard times.
You'll make it. It's all in the attitude.
Don't Let the Hard Times Drive You Apart
Deborah Dunn is a licensed marriage and family therapist near Raleigh, N. C. A popular writer and frequent motivational speaker, she is available for dynamic presentations to both men and women's groups about the power of relationships in both our public and private lives under her logo, SmartAboutLife! She is under contract with Simon and Schuster/Howard Books to write two books, the first being Stupid About Men, to be released in Feb. 2009. This book outlines the ten major rules women need to follow to get romance right. This will be followed in 2010 by a book she is currently writing, tentatively titled Life After Stupid: The SMART Steps for Rebuilding Your Life After Big Mistakes and Blunders. For more information, or to book her for an event, please visit http://www.deborahdunn.com Deborah is also a traumatic stress specialist and the founder of Community In Crisis, Inc.
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